paranoid.

Apr 17, 2008

back when i cared more about this blog it felt like some of you gave a shit too. serves me right really. much like everything else in my life. i let this take a back burner to other things. i get so caught up in the intimate relationships in my life i loose myself and all that is important to me. and i suffer. so i have to stop. i have to remember to put myself first.

i pledge to put myself first. i will work hard. and nurture my business. and foster it's growth however necessary. i will finish my degree. i will determine what my long term career goals are and cease them. i will require everyone in my life to respect me. and be honest with me. all of the time.

why do i love too much? and too hard? i push. and i pick. and i fight. and i throw daggers.

posted by tink: 9:18:00 PM

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Apr 6, 2008

sunday brunch. with a bunch of high school friends for a friends birthday. i need to want to go. i do. and then i don't. it will be fun. they are just as lost as me right? i think we're all a little afraid of 30. it just sounds so old when it feels like you were just 18. and you still get mistaken for it.

i love that.

i've been staying at this guy's house with his cats. he is 50 something. and lonely. he has 2 cats and pays me a bill a day to stay there with them. what a gig. he lives in a super nice house. tonight is the last night. then tomorrow i go home for a night. then back here for 2 nights. and he tips well. but he can be a pain. calls all the time. for no reason. poor me, right?

but i miss being at home with matt. and i miss cole and goose terribly. cole had minor surgery on his ear on tues. and i left him on wed. i should be there. i am a horrible mother. but matt is taking care of him. good enough. at least when i travel for work i can still come home everyday for a little while.

work is finally busy again. crazy in fact. i am so thankful. travel people, travel. and if you have a sick pet and need help, call me.

i feel like life is so overwhelming right now though. i'm not so sure i'm ready for super busy. but i need the money so fucking bad. and the recognition. worse. i have to crush my competition. it's a personal vendetta. fuck that bitch.

i'm so manic right now. over and over again. i'm mean and irritable. and i do mean hurtful things to people that i love. i want to stop. but i can't sometimes. my mental health benefit kicks in may 1st on my health insurance. and then i will find out just how crazy i really am. ever since i took chantix i have been out of control. my thoughts and feelings have been different and irrational. i feel like i am in a zombielike state. i am not myself. i am grey. i have racing thoughts. i am awful to be around and i need so much right now from everyone. i am delusional sometimes. i have attacked matt so many times i am not sure why he hasn't left. i need some fucking help.

paul sings all you need is love in the background...

love is all you need.

hold on everybody. just a little while longer. soon.

posted by tink: 12:21:00 AM

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Apr 5, 2008

i am so sad these days. i had been so well. for almost 2 years. can you see it in my soul? i feel like my eyes are windows into the depths of hell and despair. i can't seem to crawl out of this whole that i am in.

the problem is that i am no dumbass. i am able to recognize all of the wonderful things in my life. i just fuck them them. over and over again. everytime something goes well for me, or i am good at something, or i am in love with someone-my fucked up crazy insane other half steps up and poof. ruins everything it can get its grips on. i finally own my own business, make enough money at it to support myself nicely, have the greatest boyfriend ever. and we were really happy. for months and months. then little things, that i turn into big things, that i never forget, and dredge up in every fight we have.

what is my fucking problem. i think i need meds. but i have no mental health benefit with my insurance right now. and it won't be effective until 5-1. waiting games. gotta love those. i feel like i'm gonna fall off the edge of a cliff while i wait to get someone to help me. i am anxious, paranoid, edgy, not myself. i want to be fun again. i want to want to have friends and spend time with them. i want to be able to have a good relationship with matt again. like we deserve.

posted by tink: 2:48:00 PM

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Mar 30, 2008

i wanna just pull back my little red hood and feel all better. it never is that simple for me. i can't let any of it go. why? it's like a brick on my chest tight. i get so upset with him and i can't let go. and then i start to push away. harder and harder. till i ruin something beautiful. when we fight it's madness. we have such a complicated relationship. all these weird emotions come out. matt and i have been tight forever. so we have been many things to one another: friend, lover, ex boyfriend's little brother. yeah that's the weird one. so things get weird. and sometimes i have a hard time not being a little bit harder on him cause of shit his brother might have done, i think. but i really try not to. but the fact is this. he is my best friend. i love him dearly. we are so in tune with one another. we are often in different cities eating the same thing for dinner, not knowing until hours later. and that shit happens all the time. we finish each other's sentences. and yet when he steps into the room, my heart beats a little faster and my palms get a little sweaty. his smell turns me on. i love just being near him. and yet when we fight, he can be in the next room and i can't bring myself to even speak to him. cause i hate it so much...

posted by tink: 8:42:00 PM

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Mar 20, 2008

i had to sit down just now cause i thought i might pass out. my blood sugar is low. i'm a relatively small girl and when i skip meals it has a HUGE impact on me.

LETS MAKE ONE THING CLEAR THOUGH BEFORE WE MOVE ON---I'M NOT SKIPPING MEALS LIKE THAT.

moving along. i had a busy day. i had to take mom to another dr's appt. for her broken ankle. it's been 3.5 months. and then i had to work for a couple of hours in the afternoon. lots of driving. and petting cats today. nothing too earth shattering.

until just this very moment when it hit me like a ton of bricks---I'M 30. i am fucking freaking out. i feel like i;m supposed to have my life all planned out. and i don't. is this how i was supposed to feel in my 20's? am i doing it backward? when i was 20 i was sure i knew what i wanted. i wanted to go to school be a doctor. mistakes made. detours made. here is when i lay my head. i am a 30 year old heterosexual co-habitating but still single white female entrepreneur. i am a little bit crazy, a little bit hip, a lot hippie, very much a romantic, super sexy beautiful woman. but i am not grown up. i hope that part doesn't come for a long time.

posted by tink: 9:22:00 PM

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Mar 14, 2008

this is where it all began. he and i sitting on this very couch. almost 4 years ago. this is my 375th post. i never thought i would have stuck to this for so long. i haven't even been able to keep a journal for a period greater than a week at any point in time.

but i love to write. i find it to be cleansing for the soul. solutions seem to abound when i can sit down and spew my thoughts. stream of consciousness, it's a lousy way to do it. for the reader. but i'm a pothead and that's how that works.

i've made some great friendships. i had a small following. then it sort of fell apart when i did. i let go of this for a while. i thought it was good. but i see now how much better i feel when i have this. dummy!

this is an old one. but one of my favorites. and one of the one's that get's a lot of hits. ha. i guess guys like my tits...

i am going somewhere with this i'm just not ready to share it with you quite yet. soon.

posted by tink: 9:56:00 PM

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Mar 13, 2008

one is the loneliest number.

i feel so all alone. matt is gone, working in sc. eta-unknown. he's been gone 5 days. no end in sight. no chance for me to get away. arghhhhh!!! sometimes i scream at the top of my lungs in my car when i'm mad. i scream fuck really loud mostly. this is the worst part about having a live in boyfriend that travels for work. he's never here. it would also be the best part if we were roommates. go figure. see what bumping uglies does to a situation. last year this time we were just friends. now i cannot seem to live without him.

what happened to me. i was doing fairly well. independent. having career success. and i thought i was coming out of my shell. i'm not complainging about the relationship. just the lengths i seem to go to keep a man around. ironically it pushes them away faster than you can say jackass.

this has been a tough year. my mom broke her ankle in dec and i have been her chauffeur to dr's appt's and pt appt's till i am blue in the face. it's tough when you have a young business and it's trying to grow. and you are in the 3 slowest months of the year so you have to beg, borrow, and steal clients. i'm so good at what i do. i just need to be a little bit more successful so i can reap some of the benefits. when is my good karma coming? prolly never since i keep asking for it.

follow me on twitter

tinkdarkness

posted by tink: 10:25:00 PM

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Feb 21, 2008

photos like this help me remember how beautiful i am. sometimes i forget.

i like the light and the way it hits the highlights as they are moving.

ahh.

i like myself today. for the first time in a long time.

posted by tink: 1:09:00 AM

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Feb 19, 2008

so i've been off of the chantix since the 2nd. that was the worst 3 weeks of my life. that medication makes people fucking crazy. people are offing themselves left and right. it's shitty really. i want to quit smoking so badly. and it worked for that. i didn't really have any urges at all. and i didn't complain about not smoking.

but everything else. that was the problem. matt said it was like one night it was time for bed and we went from the couch to the bed and i became another person. we laid down in eachothers arms and i pushed him away and attacked him. and i pushed...hard. so hard he left for 5 days and only came back to shower. i was in this paralyzed state and i begged him to stay. i couldn't see anything else except that i needed him. i wasn't able to see that i hurt him. or pushed him.

and he ran. why do guys do this? i know he cares. he's been here ever since i was able to explain to him what i needed and why. that's that scariest about this medicine. it takes away your rational thought process that deals with self preservation and replaces it with racing thoughts of paranoia. it's manic. it feels like you're trapped in your own body and something else has taken over. NO! i haven't had any hallucinogens lately. i wish that's all it was.

things are better. slowly this poison has found it's way out of my cells and into my toilet. my headaches are under control. my neurologist put me on some antiseizure med daily and now i'm taking shots in the ass when i have a headache.

it was the first valentine's day in as long as i can remember that it was wonderful. we had king crab at home. quiet dinner. he bought me dafodils!!! they are beautiful. and potted so they will last. and a great gift. i got him all sorts of sexy treats. i wore those sexy little thongs...

posted by tink: 12:14:00 AM

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Feb 3, 2008

how am i going to be able to find faith in myself to love myself again?

where in the world did my self worth go? and how do i get it back?

it has been really rough for me these past few months. i had a really tough time with depression while matt was gone. my mom broke her ankle about 2 weeks before he came back and i have been taking care of her since then as she is unable to walk. i am under a great deal of stress and i feel as though i am past my breaking point. this is so hard to talk about. but the blog seems to be the place where i gain the most. through the nature of figuring it all out as i type along i spose.

none the less. as of late i have been trying to quit smoking with chantix. it works. but it makes me want to kill myself. and it's making me sabotage all of the things in my life that provide me with happiness. i have pushed matt away to the point where he really doisn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. he hates me. he can't even spend time with me anymore. he has been gone for the past 4 nights, and gone all day today. then home for a shower. then off to watch the fucking super bowl. i'm fucking begging him for a hug, while i'm sobbing and he's just standing there like he has no soul staring at me.

i can't fucking figure this out. will he come home tonight? that remains to be seen.

be i feel crazy. nuts. this chantix stuff has taken thoughts that are generally not such a problem for me and exaserabted them into insane proportions. why is it that all of a sudden i started talking about ending these crazy thoughts in my head. sometimes i just can't take it. i'm generally not the most self confident person on the planet, but i'm not usually paralyzed like this either.

why is it that all of a sudden i am so overly paranoid of matt and everything that he is doing? is it the medicine? is it me? am i crazy? i didn't have this behavior before. i trusted him. for fuck's sake i didn't freak out like this when he went to denver for 6 weeks. so why now.

i hate this stuff. but it works. and i don't smoke when i'm on it. and it makes me feel like a lunatic. and i just want matt to come home and hold me again on the couch like he used to and love me.

how can i make that happen? why do i push so hard? yesterday i called matt's boss and i was rude to him and he thinks i hung up on him and i was pet sitting for him and i got fired from that job. and i don't think matt has really forgiven me for that one yet. although i did already apologize to the boss and tell him that i felt like i had made a huge error in judgement. fucked up i know.

i haven't gone quite that psycho in a minute. i need to get a grip. fast.

posted by tink: 8:23:00 PM

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